Greetings everyone! I hope your weekend is going well! I just finished moving so to say I am very relaxed right now is an understatement. With coffee in hand, I shall begin this week's blog.
We, as humans, all have milestones in our lives that we like to mark. Some of them are happy ones like birthdays and wedding anniversaries, the date we first kissed the love of our life. Even the passing of a loved one is part of that mix because of how it strikes us emotionally. Milestones are what we also gauge our success by. I have had a few of those over the last 4 years since I started this journey but none of those milestones can compare to the date that I went smoke free. It was one 26 years in the making and it saved my life...literally and figuratively. It was the catalyst that really started this whole journey of self discovery and fulfillment.
I started smoking when I was 14 in July of 1984. To say that at 14 that I was a rebellious teen would be an understatement. My parents were separated so the fact that single parent kids have lots of time on their hands and have many chances to make wrong decisions based on acceptance is very well known. Two of my friends showed up at my door one night and invited me to go out for a bike ride. So I did. We went to my summer vacated school yard, took out a pack of smokes and handed me a cigarette. I told them I didn't smoke but they said that they did and that chicks think its cool. So, I put that smoke in my mouth and lit it up. My friends were very quick to show me the proper way to inhale. They knew when I faked it because I would cough til my face went red when I did inhale and when I didn't and just let the smoke out of my mouth they called me on it and told me to take another drag. Can't waste a cigarette. Then came the smoke ring lessons. It took me a total of 2 days to become accustomed to inhaling cigarette smoke. I also lived in a time where not only did cigarettes cost $2 a pack but they would also sell them to almost anybody, including 5 year old kids with a note. Its really funny how the attitude was back then. It was cool to smoke. Little did I realize that at the ripe old age of 14 that I was about to embark on a 26 year love-hate full blown addiction to nicotine and that would change the course of my life in many ways.
At 14 I was very involved in music and drama. I sang since I was 8, played piano, and acted in musicals since I was in grade 6. When I started smoking, it made my voice change more dramatic. I sang tenor up until then. It took a whole summer of smoking to change my voice from tenor to base. I had to be reevaluated in my vocal jazz class because of this shift. It was evident that smoking wasn't a good thing. But how could I not continue? My parents both smoked so why can't I? I not only decided to continue smoking, but I also embarked on a journey of covert sneakiness which included hiding the fact that I smoked just because I was too chicken to test out the theory that I could use the "you smoke why can't I" remark to guilt my parents into letting me smoke. I was also starting something that I couldn't afford. So far three marks against smoking and I was already ignoring the little angel on my shoulder telling me not to. Sigh...
The rest of my life, up until three years ago, involved smoking. I would have one when I woke up, one on my way to work, during my coffee breaks, before and after lunch. I'm sure you get the point. Its phenomenal to think about how many ways this nasty habit gets a hold of us. I am sitting here writing this and I just realized that I only dated smokers throughout my adult life. I mean, who else would tolerate the smell of stale smoke in the house and cars, in your hair and clothes. The coughing and that little #&!*ing wheeze you hear when you were trying to go to sleep. There is nothing positive that comes from smoking.
On August 22nd 2010, my girlfriend at the time decided to quit. I told her I would let her quit first and then I would quit when her nicotine rage subsided. It became apparent very quickly that my expertise on this subject was very limited, even nil at best. The plain fact was that I had attempted to quit many times over the preceding 26 years so what made me an expert on the psychology of nicotine addiction? I was a nicotine addict that was in denial and making an excuse not to quit. Throughout my entire smoking life my smokers mentality would always break me down quickly. Every time I wanted to quit, the nicotine addiction put that statement all smokers make when they embark on another quitting journey. "What if I don't have any?" DUH!!! That's why you quit! This question would always pop in my head when I attempted to quit. Yes, all 180 million times and I would answer it with going to buy a pack. So because I smelled of smoke every time I had one it made my girlfriend angry. So in an attempt to not to turn her into the "Estrogen She Hulk," I decided out of fear for my life, that on August 29th I would not smoke either. I used the nicotine patch and would pop a lozenge every time I would feel the urge to smoke. It worked for me from the start.
As life always throws us curve balls, my life is no different. During my journey to being a non smoker my relationship ended. Now we all know how stressful and emotional we get during a break up. Take into account that I still had that smoker's mentality. Smokers are always the first to blame something like stress as a reason to go buy a pack. For some reason this time it was different for me. I decided to work through the stress and keep on with what I was doing. I learned a lot about my personal perseverance. I regained my stubbornness to see things to the end and worked through my addiction. It was very empowering when one day, while at work, I realized that I forgot to put on a patch that morning and had pretty much gone 4 hours without it. I panicked at first but I then realized I had finally won. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Gone now are the days when I would get up at 3 am and drive to get smokes. Gone were the days of hearing that little wheeze when I was trying to go to sleep. Gone are the days that smoking would control my entire life. I don't know how to put in words how empowered and wonderful I felt.
It was learning about my perseverance and drive to succeed at quitting smoking that made me pursue my acting, writing, stand up comedy, etc. Its the drive to feel alive and excited about life that really makes this accomplishment, or rather milestone, really worthwhile. Its a wonderful feeling to say I'm a non-smoker. I have a new car now, I exercise at a gym 4 times a week. I can now smell the sweet smell of spring. Quitting smoking empowers me to always strive to do more and to never waste time doing things that don't make me happy, healthy, and fulfilled. Quitting smoking saved my life......quitting smoking will save yours too! My milestone is that as of August 29th, I have been a non smoker for 3 years and I am never going back. Sometimes I get a whiff of smoke from a passer by who is smoking. It smells good but I then tell myself that if I take one puff of a cigarette I will go down to day zero and have to start counting again. I'm never going back now and I encourage anyone else who struggles with this to quit as well. Learn about your personal perseverance. Get mad at this addiction for controlling your life and mind. Get mad at how it makes you make excuses to go back to it. Get mad for how it prevents you from being happy and healthy and fulfilled.
Thanks for reading my post! Stay tuned for my next entry which will feature a guest blog post from my dear friend Red Bird. She is a cowriter on the blog Am I lost. I am not sure what she is going to write about, but I am sure its not about how to store fruit cake.
Cheers everyone! Until next time!
G.
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